When the big screen adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s stage extravaganza Cats was released in 2019, it garnered the wrong kind of attention. It was reviewed as if it was the celluloid equivalent of cholera and easily the worst film of the year (some critics even said it was the worst film of the decade). It earned the kind of bad reviews that instantly made me want to see it. Alas, I didn’t see it when it played at cinemas (with hindsight, this was a bullet dodged).

But, I was still keen to see if it deserved the vitriol it had originally received. It was within the first few seconds so watching the film that I suddenly thought ‘This is already sooo not my kind of film’. It was soon after this that I actually felt unsafe watching Cats. Me watching this film must be the equivalent of a Sound of Music fan popping Driller Killer into the Blu-Ray player to see what all of the past controversy was about.

Very quickly I could tell that Cats is a CGI shitfest. Watching actors and dancers slithering around in ridiculous cat outfits and make-up is one thing but you can tell that they are doing all of this in a green screen studio and then they are transferred onto CGI locations. It looks the ultimate in artifice without even a smidgen of authenticity. Everybody also looks like they’ve been through some kind of smoothing filter like Facetune which has been turned up to 11. It’s a vile, grotesque viewing experience and actually made me feel quite queasy at times.

And then there’s the ‘star’ turns that are equally horrific. Critic Ty Burr of The Boston Globe said that there were moments in Cats that he would gladly pay to unsee. I agree with this wholeheartedly. I will never unsee Rebel Wilson as a fat tabby, I will never unhear the ‘singing’ (ahem) of Idris Elba. Judi Dench looks adrift and lost in the midst of this horror. It was actually quite reassuring to see that James Corden is an irritating c*nt both in and out of a catsuit. At least he possesses consistency.

I felt like a puritan in the middle of an orgy watching Cats. For a nanosecond, I even wished that such a film should be banned and felt sympathy for Mary Whitehouse. I quickly snapped out of this, however. I don’t think Cats should be banned but there should be some kind of register for those who watch it so that their names and addresses can be recorded. Those who enjoyed it should be given compulsory ECG.

Verdict- Yes, Cats is as bad as people have previously said. It’s a vomit-inducing experience that is for people who hate cinema, hate music and hate themselves. This film will probably be played on the BBC on Christmas Day. It’s that bad. Cats cost $80-100 million to make but looks like it was made on someone’s MacBook Pro for a fraction of that budget.

A godawful, wretched, scabrous experience.