This remake/reboot sees a group of teens journeying to the abandoned camp called Crystal Lake and then being stalked by killer Jason Voorhees who is avenging the death of his mother years before.

Does this remake feel like a Friday the 13th movie? Nope. It feels more like a modern-day Porkies on the road with a bit of horror thrown in for good measure.

The characters all seem to be on heat, with dialogue ranging from ‘Your t*ts are stupendous!’ right through to ‘You got perfect n*pple placement, baby’. It makes the dialogue in the original read like Brecht or Chekhov. In fact, the characters in the original films are multi-layered and way more likeable than the vapid cardboard cutouts we’re given here.

There seems to be way more s*x and nudity than suspense or horror here too. The kills are just as anaemic as everyone else in this decidedly beige vehicle.

Also, when in God’s name did Jason kidnap and imprison some of his victims rather than just killing them in a painfully innovative way?

This 2009 film does have one great quality though. It reminds us how great the original series of films were, especially the first four. Stick with those and forget this turkey.

1 out of 5 stars