Halloween is Rob Zombie’s origin story of what made Michael Myers, erm, Michael Myers. This lasts about 40 minutes, and then we see the events of the original film through Zombie’s eyes.

Apparently, John Carpenter told Zombie to make the film his way and make it his own.

And he does (my eyes are rolling as I’m writing this).

Do you want a version of Halloween that’s chock full of hillbillies, long greasy hair and the worst dialogue you’ve ever heard? (The word ‘skullf*ck’ makes an appearance within the first minute). No, me neither.

I’m massively biased, as I think Zombie is a massive one-trick pony but when he’s getting his mitts on sacred material, he’s doomed to failure. And if you’re gonna fail, go large.

And he does. This is terrible.

I’d like to think Carpenter gave Zombie that advice as 1) he knew he’d already made a masterpiece that no one could even get near to either equalling, let alone bettering and 2) he already knew that Zombie was a terrible director.

Please don’t waste a couple of hours of your life watching this. Do something more interesting like cleaning out cupboards or alphabetising your Blu-ray collection.

0.5 out of 5 stars