The first time I found out that there was a sequel to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre was when I was going through the racks of records in Track Records in York, where I grew up (York, not the record store, although I spent a lot of time there). I pored over the artwork and saw that The Cramps were on the tracklist. ‘Pretty cool!’ I thought.

When the film’s distributors tried to get a rating from the BBFC, they were told that about 20-25 minutes worth of footage would have to be cut from the film to even get an 18 certificate. The distributors apparently gave up after each cut they submitted was rejected. Hence, my chances of seeing the film were pushed back indefinitely.

I finally got to see the film when there was a one-off screening at the Prince Charles Cinema in London where I lived (London, not the cinema, but…) Me and my friends hated the film so much that we actually booed as the closing credits were rolling. I honestly didn’t know how we lasted that long anyway.

Will my opinion of the film have changed on this rewatch?

The answer is no. This film is fucking awful. Why? Many reasons. The fact that Hooper went for humour in the sequel rather than horror. Yes, there’s humour in the original (‘Look what your brother did to the door!’), but this was a gallows-style humour that was generated from the blackest and most horrifying material. There’s the same kind of black humour at the end of Taxi Driver.

Another thing I hate is the characters. There’s not one character I liked except for Drayton Sawyer (yes, they’ve now given The Cook from the original a name. Strip away the mystery, strip away the magic…). They even make Leatherface into a putz (they asked Gunnar Hansen to come back and reprise his role but only offered him scale. He declined. And rightly so). New characters such as Crop-Top are terrible and uber annoying. During his first meeting with Stretch (another character I fucking detested), I actually exclaimed, ‘Fuck me! This film is TERRIBLE!’ And I apply that to every moment of this godawful sequel. Dennis Hopper’s character is just as repugnant.

But the biggest thing I hated about this travesty is that it reminds me of what might have been- a proper sequel to the original with an emphasis on horror, another twisted tale from the fucked up family’s backstory or maybe from their present. The film would be as lo-fi as the original, with no drum machines on the soundtrack, no gimmicks, but just as much pure terror as the first film. Tobe Hooper did it once, he could have done it again. The sequel could have been so good that future generations would have argued which was the better film, the original or the sequel, like they do with the first two Godfather films or Alien and Aliens. But no, instead, we get this (literal) Cannon fodder.

Whilst it’s always akin to a suicide mission trying to make a sequel to an established horror masterpiece, there have been worthy attempts that are very good films in their own right. The first sequels to Halloween, Psycho and The Evil Dead are all excellent.

I detest this film so much that I’ll even extend this sentiment to fans of the film. If you like this film, you’re an idiot. If you like this film, you know nothing about horror or cinema. There. I feel much better now.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is an example of how NOT to make a sequel and how NOT to make a film. Appalling.

1 out of 5 stars